Nothing can be more frustrating or painful than watching my health slip through my fingers with no understanding as to why one day I just woke up, and my life turned upside down.
Tremors, chills, allergic reactions to a growing list of foods, cardiovascular and respiratory responses, hormonal fluctuations, and a much longer list of symptoms make every doctor I sit across scratch his or her head in bewilderment.
Several ER visits. A Cardiologist. An Allergist. A Gastrointestinal specialist. A Naturopath. X-rays, ultrasounds and over 20 blood tests and still we’re all scratching our heads.
Then the whispers start. Maybe it’s sihr (black magic)? What if it’s a tumor? Sounds like M.S.? But let’s rule out Malaria, Lupus, and Rheumatism since we’re going that rabbit hole.
It’s been over six months, and still undiagnosed.
As the circle around me becomes exhausted from just watching me get sick after every meal, each has figured out their own coping mechanism. Some pretend it’s not happening. Others want me to ignore the reactions, for perhaps with ignoring it – they will just go away. Some will go as far as to say it’s all in my head.
I’m sure I sound like a nut case when all testing comes back negative, yet I visibly become ill after eating.
Are you bulimic? Do you feel anxiety when you eat?
Yes, I feel anxiety now that I react to every morsel I ingest. I throw up because my body confuses that bite of food into a threat, and rejects it. I don’t vomit voluntarily.
Maybe you’re just stressed.
Yes, it is very stressful trying to eat nowadays. And even when I eat, forgetting for a short moment that I won’t get sick, shortly thereafter, I become stressed again as I’m racing to ER for a pill to subdue my immune system.
I stand on the brink of depression. There is a huge sense of isolation and loss. Cooking is no longer a pleasurable pastime of nourishing myself and my family. Sharing a meal is not an option anymore. Eating out is practically impossible for me. All these blessings I once enjoyed and now they are no more. Still, I search for the why. Why did this happen? What triggered it? How can I stop it or reverse it?
The only thing keeping me from falling into the dark abyss is knowing the Most Merciful knows my pain, understands my loss and will compensate me with far more than I could ever imagine. Accepting His decree doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but it does mean that I will be victorious in the end. No battle was ever won without wounds or loss.
Qur’an recitation has become part of my daily routine, so this illness, whatever it is, is really a blessing in disguise. I have lost the sweetness and pleasure of food, but I have gained the sweetness and pleasure of reading the Speech of my Lord.
I ask Allah to grant me complete shifaa (healing) and to grant complete shifaa to everyone suffering from any illness.